Slip Into Me

"Slip into me

I promise I’ll let you in

Be warned though

As my eyes are heady

They will lead you to your deepest desires

I’m potent, though never deceiving

And you’re yearning

As desperation is easy to feel

There is no return

Ever knowing what life used to be

I’m your early dissolution

Give into me

Let me feed every inch

Quiet your existence

I have all you’ve ever wanted

….I promise, I’ll let you in"

-Amy Edelman-

Life

"I’m suffocating and you keep spinning.

Where is this earthly joy that you pour from the breathing?

My brain is scattered and overwhelmed, I can’t keep up with you.

Do you find this amusing, are you enjoying your strings?

I’m lost, screaming from the inside, barely scratching the surface.

Yet you keep going, torturing and pushing me through the mirrors.

My lungs are deflated, my body feels defeated, ah give me a single breath, please.

Your scent follows, clinging to me, not a single moment of silence.

You’re like a train, blazing fast and full of graffiti.

I’m trembling, holding my head in my hands, trying to understand.

Where does your relentless nature come from?

I want a break, I need you to back off, please..please slow down.

I beg of you, on my knees, alone in the dark, for just a second.

What is your power? You’re like a drug I have to love, never getting enough.

The tornados you produce, the furry and heartbreak you bring..

Why can’t you stop this? Must I be tortured forever?

Forever wanting you, forever needing you, doing anything to keep you.

And that’s just it, you are necessary, you are begged for daily.

Please, don’t go, I subconsciously enjoy your catastrophe...It’s exquisite."

-Amy Edelman-

Tell Me Your Name

"Tell me your name, that’s all I ask of you.

These hairs on my body are risen

My soul is slipping out through my fingers

Every inch of me is yearning for what you are, who you are…

Could I feel you, just once, could I capture your gaze for a moment.

Why are you drifting away from me, I am only looking for a glimpse of your mind, a peek into your conscience

I mean no harm, really.

Yet I suppose I know why you keep away

You know my name, you know I’ll never be satisfied with a little

I would drain you, bit by bit

Because I am empty

Yearning for anything to make me whole again

But please, just tell me your name.."

-Amy Edelman-

Not Apologizing For Only Having One Child

This past week alone, I have had not one, but two snide comments about only having one child. One of those comments even made a dig at the fact that I have a semi older child, so my life is much easier. I am not one to be offended, that is not really where my post is headed, but if you are waiting for me to apologize for choosing to have one child or to somehow console you because you chose to have more than one, it will not happen. Absolutely not, actually never.

I would not really call having one child an absolute choice for me. I will not bore you with the full blown story, but having another baby had the potential to take my life and/ or the life of this non-existent baby. The risk was not worth it to us. Despite the horrible birth of our child, we somehow both came out alive, and healthy. The way I saw it, was we could try for another, but was it worth risking my life, and leaving the child I already had without a mother? Was it worth losing the next baby and carrying that weight for life? We made our decision. (Photo: 6 days old)

On top of all the medical reasons, we soon found out that we enjoyed only having one child. It is not a crime, and like I said, I will not apologize for it.

We're not super wealthy, and I wanted my child to have a little bit more in life than I had. My childhood was not horrible, but we never really went anywhere, and for reasons I am not 100% sure about. So there's not really a sense of blame here. If we had more than one child, our resources would be stretched thinner and I was not fond of that. Nor did I want my husband gone longer than he already was to provide for another baby, that we did not need to have. Kids are not dying by 5 years old anymore, and we are already over populated.

Abigail was the prime example of a super easy baby/kid. She breastfed easily until 16 months. Always ate her food. Slept through the night by 6 weeks. Was fully potty trained (yes, even overnight) by 2. Adults would go out of their way to tell me how crazy it was that they could have a full blown conversation with a 2 year old. She has a super sweet nature, loves life and listens like a champ. (She does push her Daddy's buttons though) Having another was a gamble, I already suffer from mental health issues (and we won't even bring up the post-partum I dealt with, scariest shit in my life), I couldn't imagine having another who was opposite of her. Heck, or even slightly different. I personally would not have been able to handle it. 

My husband and I met in high school. I would not call us sweethearts, but rather two confused souls who found each other to be perfect. We have had many years of conversations and amazing growth in our relationship, that we are yearning for the days that we can have romantic date nights again. Mini get-aways and uninterrupted moments. We (God willing) will have that sooner than we would have, if we had more kids.

I have a lot of freedom during my days. Yes, I obviously have to feed my kid, wipe her butt and get her ready if we need to go somewhere, but other than that, she's got her own little mind and goes off into her own little world. She's highly creative and imaginative (Have you met Punga and Ruby?). I have never sat her down and taught her anything, yet she can write letters, knows the alphabet and can count. She's very smart because she observes and listens to everything and everyone. She has her days when she wants some cuddle sessions, which don't bother me a bit, and sometimes she wants to help me clean, but other than that I have my own life. I treasure that, I don't feel guilt. I was not meant for motherhood, in theory, but that's for a different post.

So maybe these individuals who felt the need to throw shade at someone with only one child, is partly envying my lifestyle (or that it looks "easy" ...Mind you, I have bad anxiety, so what is deemed easy to one, is not to me)? Maybe they could not come up with something else negative to say, because I have not thrown any negative energy into the air in a long time, so it was an easy blow. What ever their reason, always remember. We both had the same CHOICE and DECISIONS. I chose mine and well, you chose yours. 

The Day Our House Sold

Did I somehow get life backwards? I mean, most people yearn for the opportunity to purchase their first home. I won’t lie and say that I didn’t feel the same way when we purchased our home 4 years ago. We were just as excited, thought we were doing something positive and better for our family. Those feelings that come along, you know, feeling proud that you finally own something. It is your porch, your kitchen, your backyard etc. Your child has their own bedroom and lots of space to run around. Not to mention, it was also in a relatively safe neighborhood with a descent school district. Yet, it is as if we despised that home the entire time we owned it. See, the way my mind works, is I am constantly doing things for others, even if it is not shared with those that I am doing the favor for. I had visions of family dinners, parties and making friends with other couples with their kids in the area. I thought people would be excited to be part of our lives now that we “owned a home.” The complete opposite actually happened. The funny part, as I look back, we slowly gave up. Our first 6 months in that house were filled with ideas, hope, furniture and a plan with home projects to make this place a home. We soon realized, unfortunately, that no one cared to even visit, even after multiple attempts. To this day, I have no clue if our home wasn’t good enough because it wasn’t modern, despite that it was cleaned regularly. Was it the cats? Did people really not like me or us? I have no idea. When we had our parties, I tried to invite people who I knew lightly to try and establish a relationship, and they never came. I reached out to have play dates with others, and they couldn’t be bothered. Heck, I even invited people to my husband’s work events as our plus ones for free kid entertainment, but even that seemed to not be enough. I am rambling, obviously, but I always smile on the inside when people have recently asked me the same question..”Why did you move?” That list is rather long, but to be honest there are a few that pain me when I think about it. I moved because we felt the area was old and dying. Opportunity was few, far and inbetween for Abigail...not to mention, pricey. We moved because I went through the hardest time of my life in that home, and no one existed. Days where I thought life wasn’t worth living because I must have somehow been a burden to everyone, since no one wanted to be around me. And I am a psycho, maybe, but I have plenty of saved screenshots of unanswered texts, shots showing me always being the first to reach out to others. Family and “friends” included, and it just got old and contributed hard core to my depressive state. It’s a hard pill to swallow when your visions don’t quite come to life. I so wanted to fill that long table we once had with people enjoying a home cooked meal. It happened one time, and it wasn’t even wanted by all who were there. So, what was the point in keeping anything in our home if there was no one to use it all? Some seem to think this was some easy task. Like we just got our affairs in order and checked out. Quite the opposite. For once, we just decided to choose us. There was an opportunity, and we took it and ran with it. Despite the comments, the questions and the few that were not happy. We did it. There was no job lined up, no apartment ready or location picked out and heck, our home wasn’t even officially sold yet. We sold/donated 75% of our stuff and packed a small SUV to the top with our belongings, 2 cats and us. Nut cases, right? Not to mention, I am still not fully comfortable with choosing us over others. This doesn’t even touch on the emotional aspect. The tears cried, the anger and disappointment as we were about to depart on our new journey, knowing we were not coming back. With the car packed, and Abigail content, we did one was check around this house to make sure everything was okay, and we looked at eachother and both lost it. It felt like a major loss, failure and mistake all wrapped into one. As we’re both clearly an emotional mess, we just hugged, remembering as much as we could about the moments that were ours there. I know Abigail’s room was the hardest for Toby to let go. He spent every night since we were there rocking her to sleep, singing lullabies, and reading books. I tend to put those things out of my mind because I can’t deal with them. I was more hurt for him than I was for myself. I was more upset at the failure I felt me and the house were. Disappointed in the life I “built” and it was nowhere near what I wanted. So here I am, July 20th 2018, and our house is gone. I’ve never referred to it as home, because it never was and never will be. I couldn’t hold back from crying today though because it is a loss, like anything in life. But in the end, that house robbed more from us then it gave us. The biggest was time that we can’t get that back.